Living and Leaving. ~05/05/17

Living and leaving.

In the international language that we still call english, these words have become one. People go through life, travelling. Different places, differents times. “Where are you living” becomes a homophone of “when are you leaving”. Say it a few times and you’ll see.
But it gets to me deeper than that.

In the constant departure from the past we forget that we are, in fact, living. Today, I am, living. And tomorrow, that tomorrow that comes in one month’s time, I will be, leaving.
Leaving breaks my heart. It throws a river of crying tears in me, pushing at the dam that is my soul. I can feel it now, gushing through my eyes, distorting the present. My home unrecognisable through the blur. I’m living in the future. ANd I don’t want to go there, to the unknown.
How could I ? How could I when the known present time and present place are so good to me ?
Exchanging fleeting love with strangers, love so much more pure and accepting than that I could give before. That painful love you give when all you want is.a.bit.more.
How could I want to leave when I am truly living now and feel I will die of sadness at the mere thought of being elsewhere.


I’m strong. Well, sort of. I thought I was. I thought I was stable. Stable in my joy. I’ve been stable in my joy for a whole week now,
But I’m stable in my joy until I’m not. I’m confident until I’m not, I feel accepted until I don’t and I feel loved until I don’t.
I thought I could find solace in my ever changing self, but turns out, I need the hugs and drugs on the rocks and on the streets. I need the gentle hand on my knee, cradling my painful heart, helping me strengthen that dam inside me.
Turns out, I think I need nothing more until I lose my bliss to a kiss and all I can feel is the erosion in my limbs.
Gravity is no more grounding but the mere physical attraction between me, the land and the planet.
The pull of leaving no more the escape from boredom but the sentence to a lifetime of eternal unsatisfaction.

And I’ll still be leaving.